Early Months

Aaron is now 6 months old, and I want to start blogging in "real time" this week, but I want to write a little about those first months at home.

When we brought Aaron home, we felt pretty good about how he would do. His MRI showed "moderate" damage to the motor areas, especially, of his brain, but we were also told the MRI was not entirely predictive and that he "looked good." He was nursing some, and doing OK with his bottles. This feeling didn't last long. Aaron would nurse for no more than 5 minutes at a time, before refusing to take more. He did slightly better with bottles, but still required a lot of encouragement. Worse, he constantly cried and arched, a sign of neurologic abnormality. Every time he did it, I felt sick. While I accepted that Aaron might have special needs, this seemed so severe. I wondered what kind of life my little guy would lead? I worried that he seemed so miserable all the time. He cried incessantly in the bath, in the carseat. I certainly knew babies could be colicky, but I was certain that was too ordinary of an explanation in light of what my extraordinary boy had been through.

I can't describe the fog of gloom that hung over us that first month. I am sure I suffered from some post partum depression. I had flashbacks of my labor and Aaron's birth daily. Matt and I wondered how we would cope with caring for a severely impaired, not interactive child. I worried our entire family would fall apart. I didn't feel I had the energy for anything positive. I felt very sorry for Aaron, but also for myself. Thank goodness I had the support of my parents especially, but also my sister and some very good friends. I tried counseling, but really started snapping out of it for two reasons. First, Aaron started smiling at us! There WAS a little person in there. And second, Sam started showing signs of stress. I still have bad days, but that was my sign that I needed to move forward, and for the most part, I think we have.

I write all this on the off chance that some other mom with a child s/p neurologic injury ever reads this. Don't give up hope! Everyone told me the same, and I could hardly dare to hope...but we are doing so much better now than we were.