Sunday, January 8, 2012

Where to start?

I have been painfully absent from this blog. Much of that is a lack of time, and for many months (years) this blog was a place to process the roller coast of emotions that followed after the birth of my dear Air Bear. Our roller coaster has been more of a kiddie coaster of late, with wonderful peaks and more shallow valleys. There is less angst. Yes....we were told to consider a Gtube this spring.....but we so far have avoided that and we got to introduce DAIRY! Yes...A is in speech therapy, but heck, so was his daddy and last I checked he talks for a LIVING :) And lastly, my boys are so much their own little men now, that I feel more guarded in what I can say, what they might read later, what could be's a wonderful "problem" to have, but it makes for less satisfying cathartic writing.

SOOOOOO... the biggest news, and the reason I write today is that we have a new boy! Today is his 6 month birthday and he has completed our family. Ben is like a huge burst of sunshine and I can't imagine life without him. For those of you who stumble on my blog while researching uterine rupture, I will say that it was a pregnancy filled with anxiety and great hope. I couldn't even write about it, in fear that it wouldn't end well. But at 35 weeks and a few days, my last child came into the world, smoothly, in a routine manner that many moms take for granted but I never will. He cried and was pink and was one of the 3 most beautiful people I have ever laid eyes on. It is a crazy chaotic life raising 3 boys, but I am trying to savor his infancy. I love nursing him, his sour milk mixed with Burts Bees smell, his belly laugh, the way he opens his mouth like a baby bird. I am so eternally grateful that I have the chance to mother a baby again. Sometimes it feels bittersweet, and I get angry at myself for being so scared, sometimes paralyzed with fear during A's babyhood. But then I remember that the good times very quickly outweighed the scary times, and A and I spent so much time together! I may have been crazy intense but I think (hope) my love outweighed my fear.

And, in terms of enjoying Aaron, I am making up for any lost time. I LOVE 3 year olds and my boy is one exceptional 3 year old. He is hilarious and daring and mischievious. He never stops moving. He is starting to enjoy some foods, which makes me so happy. He is a great big brother and little brother. He knows his ABCs, counts, draws, shoots baskets, understands how to work an IPad better than me. My beloved baby sister got married this year, and watching him play on the beach and I still can have my breath taken away and tears in my eyes watching him, thinking how close we came to losing him, feeling the enormity of the great miraculous gift we were given the day he was born and survived.

So all in all, a very lucky lady. My big boy will turn 8 this year, and I will save writing about him for his birthday. I sign off with some pics of my trio.