Night

So, what is it about the nighttime??? I am lucky...I don't suffer from insomnia nearly as badly as my dear friend who wakes at 4 am for no apparent reason, or as my mom who can be up half the night. No, once I am utterly exhausted, I generally can fall asleep and stay asleep. Unfortunately, for me, utter exhaustion doesn't come before midnight. And the boys are up early. And Aaron (currently nicknamed Nutty Bear) has his 3 am snack.

But really, it is not the lack of sleep that has me blogging right now. It is that every time there is quiet, there is no peace. We had a GREAT day today. DH's trial is over! He did great and I am so proud of his dedication and smarts. One small silver lining of him being gone is that it really highlights how much I love him and enjoy his company, even after so many years. So, anyway, he took the day off today. We had a great time, Brother Bear went to his grandparents for a little while, so DH and I had some time with Nutty Bear on our own, and then we all had a lot of fun the 4 of us. I thought to myself, OK, I obsessed over the new diagnosis all week, but now it is time to move forward. DH is home, I can relax a little, things will look more bright. And for a while, it did.

Then, the boys are in bed. Exhausted trial lawyer fell asleep next to me. I snuggled in, gave thanks for my guys, closed my eyes...and....envisioned Nutty Bear's ribs. And worried about whether he will grow to be at least average height. And whether he will ever be able to eat pizza. And then how our family will change, will he resent his brother, will he always feel left out, will we be able to travel, eat out, once he notices how different food is for him? Will he ever enjoy food? And then started thinking about how this shouldn't matter so much to me, when we have so much to appreciate about his recovery from his birth injury. Oops...don't think about the birth injury...too late...now I start thinking about whether he is really on track like I think or am I in denial...and now I am wide awake and I give up and get up.

I am fine as long as I am running at full speed but I cannot be still/be inside my head. Maybe that's OK, maybe it isn't, but for right now,it is just reality.

Aaron updates...

He now says bye-bye, shakes his head no, and maybe says Ne Ne for night night. He took 7 ounces of formula at bedtime tonight (new record) but he had skipped ice-cream, so unclear as to whether this is improvement. He claps his hands and stomps his feet to "If you are happy and you know it..."

Sam's questions today

Why do the female lions hunt?

Why does water make you wet?

Why is rain only water? (As opposed to what buddy) Why isn't it lice?

What is the brown stuff in Nutty Bear's diaper? (Um, that would be poop)