Musing

Today was just another ordinary day. I started reading the sequel to a book I read so long ago, before I was a mom, called the Deep End of the Ocean. The initial book is about a family who loses their child to kidnapping. I have not, thank G-d, been through this, but the author's words really seem to bleed out at you. I could hardly read it. All I could think is, how differently this feels from reading the first novel before I was a mom.

Then, I was speaking to my friend, who has recently given birth. We were talking about how her first simple trip away from her newborn rocked her world. The timing, the vulnerability she felt in the car...I remember feeling much the same way. This new being depends on you to eat...you want to be there for every milestone...your life no longer belongs just to you.

At the library, we were at story hour. I am sitting at story hour with a couple of other moms, one very far along in pregnancy. She thinks that she may be in early labor and this prompts every other mom there to retell their own birth stories. Luckily, my toddler doesn't sit still for long, so my beloved AJ saved mommy from that conversation. I wish I could just hear these stories and not feel them...solely appreciate the miracle of what is and not the what could have been...I am getting there, but not there.

So, all of this, on this very ordinary day, in between laundry and pot roast and chitchat, I feel...heavy and vulnerable. Heavy with love and fretting and joy and fear for my children, vulnerable with the knowledge that they are my core, that protecting and nurturing them is so simple on a daily basis but full of potential pitfalls, humbled by the fact that a simple conversation can still bother me. Maybe I should start reading romance novels....

My new "niece" (the canine kind!)

This is the only way I know how to post a video for my sister, so her new little girl Ruby gets featured here! She is so cute and we are happy to have her in the family.

CCED update

Last week we traveled with Aaron to Cincinnatti to their Center for Eosinophilic Disease. He continues to struggle with gaining weight, now has fallen to less than 3rd percentile. Our terrific allergist recommended we go there, as they have been at the forefront of research and treatment for this disorder. I learned a lot there and am reading a lot of the research articles now. The research really dates back only about 10 years, which makes it hard to really know what Aaron's future holds. It used to be these kids were thought to have really bad GERD that just didn't respond to treatment. They drill into your head that it is a chronic disease, but I hold onto hope that there is still a lot they don't know. The treatments include elimination diets where they eliminate what the patient is allergic to on skin tests or eliminate the 6 most likely allergens, swallowed steroids, and elemental diets where kids are fed completely by formula for a period of time and then foods are slowly added back. The CCED recommends diet restrictions in lieu of steroids for kids his age, because the long-term effects of swallowed steroids are unknown. (These steroids, often used for asthma, are poorly absorbed, so we hope they are just coating the esophagus and thus more safe) So....Aaron did fine on his endoscopy (the only way to tell how his esophageal disease is to put him under general anesthesia and biopsy with a scope, ugh). His esophagus looks normal now (YAY, before it had signs of EE) and his biopsy showed only 4 eosinophils per HPF (previously more than 100). So...the doctors presume his failure to gain weight is due to residual behavioral reluctance to eat caused by pain and suffering with swallowing when he was untreated. Our plan now is to keep him on the steroid treatment, add a acid blocker and appetite suppressant, feed him high calorie foods and formula, and try to get him to gain weight that way. For now, Matt and I have chosen to continue the steroid, as taking out any more foods from his diet seems to be unlikely to allow him to gain weight and we still hope he can get adequate nutrition orally. His growth is important, as is proper nutrition for his developing brain. None of the options seems great, so we are trying to pick the "least bad" choices for him. Honestly, at this point, I am just praying that he will somehow start eating and grow. Please add your prayers to mine.

We did get to spend lots of time together in Ohio. When Matt had to leave for a couple of days, Aaron and I were "just the two of us", which was pretty fun (when he wasn't spitting/throwing food back at me) He got very spoiled sleeping in the big bed with Mommy and watching a lot of Handy Manny. Sam joined us later in the week and we all went to the Zoo and the Aquarium after AJs appts. Aaron was a trooper for all his tests and Sam was a super supportive big brother, I was very proud of both of them.

Iwill add some fall pictures soon!

Sentimental reasons

Last January, I wrote a post about Sam on his birthday. Everyone really seemed to like it and it made me realize how this could be a vehicle to write the things we just don't always say to the people we love most. So...in February, I wrote for my dad's birthday, and then it became a bit of a tradition. The year is coming to a close for family birthday's and tomorrow is my hubby's big day. This one is hard. Not because I couldn't gush for pages about my wonderful partner in life....but because of the "ewww" factor. But, I couldn't do a year of birthdays and not include the man who walked into my life when I was 19 and changed it forever. So, I guess I am going to risk embarrassing myself and my guy...feel free to stop reading now unless you are the birthday boy.

I was not the girl who dreamed of weddings and kids and wrote Mrs. so and so all over my notebooks. In college, I always thought my friends would get married first and although it seems crazy to me now, I went through a phase where I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. (It seems incomprehensible to me now, even on my worst mommy days!) I think part of that was because it seemed so hard to imagine someone I would want to share my life with and raise a family with. And then, a slightly scruffy, really funny, smart, sensitive, smartass Scholar came along.

I liked him then, I love and adore him now. It amazes me that I had the good sense to pick him when I was so young. And like fine wine...he gets better with age. The young college guy has grown into the kind of man who puts his family first, who works so hard to keep me happy, who adores his children, stands by his responsibilities, is my shoulder to cry on and can crack me up like no other. He doesn't miss games, doctor's appointments, teacher conferences. He works hard at the office and does more than his share at home. He respects my work and me. He does a mean repertoire of imitations, has trivia and sports knowledge that amazes, loves me unconditionally, is a great attorney who has been singled out several times for his ProBono work, and there is no one I have more fun with. I want my sons to grow up to be the kind of man their father is. We have been through a lot in the last year, I feel we have been tested some, and we have come through stronger.

So, in the tradition, some song lyrics for my true love...Barbra sang this song today on Oprah and it gave me chills...this is what my husband does for me and I am so blessed to have him, as are the boys...

Make someone happy,

Make just one someone happy.

Make just one heart the heart you sing to.

One smile that cheers you,One face that lights when it nears you.

One gal you're everything to.

Fame, if you win it,Comes and goes in a minute.

Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?

Love is the answer,Someone to love is the answer.

Once you've found her,Build your world around her.

Make someone happy.Make just one someone happy

And you will be happy too

Ups and downs

So these videos are from this reverse trampoline thing they have at the mall. Sam has done it before, but Aaron never has. You have to be 20 lbs. He recently hit 21 and screams to do it everytime we go, so I told the lady to put him in the harness and just let him bounce a little. He went practically up to the ceiling! Seriously, a crowd gathered. I am sure people were saying" What kind of crazy mother let her baby do this?!?" The video is terrible because I kept losing focus during my panic attack. I am not kidding. But both boys had so much fun.

Sam has had a trying time lately with fear of monsters and difficulty sleeping. We think it is a combination of his Safety camp plus this Berenstein Bears book with jealousy represented as the "green eyed monster" and kindergarden anxiety. Anyway, it has been hard on him...and our patience. He is improving. I know a lot of moms have trouble with their kids going off to kindergarden. I can't wait. He needs socialization and taming!!!! I will let the saintly kg teachers have at it.

Swimming!

It has obviously been a while since my last post, life has been hectic and I have been uninspired! Well, my boys are obviously still a huge inspiration, but there has been less angst :)

Sam has been very active. He has done Sports camp and now is doing Safety Town camp. He has enjoyed both. He got picked on by some older boys the first day of Sports Camp, very mild teasing, but I think it was a shock to both of our systems! This school stuff is going to be hard. But he is resilient and took it in stride, and his mama bear mother tried to do the same. Actually, his daddy came to his defense and spoke to the teachers about it. Yay for co-parenting. Kudos to any and all single parents, but this job is HARD and I am so glad not to be partnered up so happily.

Aaron is doing very well. He has sort of plateaued a bit on saying new words, but he seems to understand more every day. His eating has been much, much better over the last few weeks. It remains to be seen if this will translate into some added ounces. Anyhow, it is nice to see him happily eating, no matter what the scale says! The added food and our decision to get rid of the calorie supplement has alleviated his constipation, so we "lost" another medicine. Yay. We are still working on getting to Cincinnati, the country's premier center for EoE research, but our fabulous private health insurance is denying thus far. Boy, I sure think it will be just horrible if my doctor's recommendations are limited by a government plan because this private plan that costs us an arm and a leg is soooo wonderful. Sorry, brief detour into the infuriating health care sideshow. Actually, if we continue to not progress on the coverage, we may get Aaron into Children's Special Health coverage, an evil government program for kids with special needs thatwould likely cover this.

Anyway, it has been a cool summer but here is footage of the boys in the pool.

The Dancers

Well, the summer is flying by...what a difference a year makes. For me, every milestone this summer brings back memories of the same time last year. We have been busy with Tee-ball, swim lessons, play group and just enjoying each other. We got to visit DC despite spreading some sort of viral contagion while there, and had a great time. The hubby and I spent a glorious weekend alone together in Chicago (Thanks Bubbe and Saba!) and we have travel plans to see friends coming up.



Sam gets smarter and more grown up all the time. He is big enough to ride down the slide at the waterpark alone! Gulp...I remember when he was 2 and Matt talked me into taking him on it the first time ( I was sure he was too little, Matt was right) and I will miss going down it together, him in my lap in the innertube, both of us shrieking and giggling. I told him that and he is humoring me by taking a last ride together, but I am sure going with mom will be ho-hum now. Sigh. I thought I had more time. He is loving teeball and having more fun every day playing with his little brother. He even takes the biting in stride. They love to chase each other around the house and wrestle. I have tried to limit the wrestling (it can't be helpful in taming down Aaron's toddler aggression!) but it is truly impossible. BOYS! A nice problem to have, all in all..



Aaron is getting to be quite a handful. I remember this being a wonderful but really, um, challenging age in round 1, and that is proving true this time. He seems to pick up new ideas and words every day. He LOVES music and dancing, trucks/buses/cars, and of course...sports. He throws temper tantrums on a regular basis. Now, instead of just refusing his food, he routinely spits some back at me. Ugh. He is getting another molar in, and he is wanted to use those teeth on people, not food. He is going to get kicked out of the gym day care if he keeps it up, and I am actually working out on a regular basis now...I don't want to be kicked out :)!



All in all, a good summer, so far! The videos are a little long but so funny. Lots of white boys dancing at our house. Sam wanted to hear his favorite grown up song, the Single Ladies song by Beyonce, but I couldn't find the CD, thus the YouTube video was placed and he got his groove on. Sort of! He kind of looks like he is doing karate. Aaron just presses the button to hear music and spontaneously starts dancing. It is so funny and adorable. To his mother, anyway...