Where to start?

I have been painfully absent from this blog. Much of that is a lack of time, and for many months (years) this blog was a place to process the roller coast of emotions that followed after the birth of my dear Air Bear. Our roller coaster has been more of a kiddie coaster of late, with wonderful peaks and more shallow valleys. There is less angst. Yes....we were told to consider a Gtube this spring.....but we so far have avoided that and we got to introduce DAIRY! Yes...A is in speech therapy, but heck, so was his daddy and last I checked he talks for a LIVING :) And lastly, my boys are so much their own little men now, that I feel more guarded in what I can say, what they might read later, what could be misinterpreted...it's a wonderful "problem" to have, but it makes for less satisfying cathartic writing.

SOOOOOO... the biggest news, and the reason I write today is that we have a new boy! Today is his 6 month birthday and he has completed our family. Ben is like a huge burst of sunshine and I can't imagine life without him. For those of you who stumble on my blog while researching uterine rupture, I will say that it was a pregnancy filled with anxiety and great hope. I couldn't even write about it, in fear that it wouldn't end well. But at 35 weeks and a few days, my last child came into the world, smoothly, in a routine manner that many moms take for granted but I never will. He cried and was pink and was one of the 3 most beautiful people I have ever laid eyes on. It is a crazy chaotic life raising 3 boys, but I am trying to savor his infancy. I love nursing him, his sour milk mixed with Burts Bees smell, his belly laugh, the way he opens his mouth like a baby bird. I am so eternally grateful that I have the chance to mother a baby again. Sometimes it feels bittersweet, and I get angry at myself for being so scared, sometimes paralyzed with fear during A's babyhood. But then I remember that the good times very quickly outweighed the scary times, and A and I spent so much time together! I may have been crazy intense but I think (hope) my love outweighed my fear.

And, in terms of enjoying Aaron, I am making up for any lost time. I LOVE 3 year olds and my boy is one exceptional 3 year old. He is hilarious and daring and mischievious. He never stops moving. He is starting to enjoy some foods, which makes me so happy. He is a great big brother and little brother. He knows his ABCs, counts, draws, shoots baskets, understands how to work an IPad better than me. My beloved baby sister got married this year, and watching him play on the beach and I still can have my breath taken away and tears in my eyes watching him, thinking how close we came to losing him, feeling the enormity of the great miraculous gift we were given the day he was born and survived.

So all in all, a very lucky lady. My big boy will turn 8 this year, and I will save writing about him for his birthday. I sign off with some pics of my trio.

Heavyweight Champion

It has been all summer and I haven't updated this blog. It has been very busy...my big boy at home for the summer, a new job, lots of time spent with friends and family. And my mind has just been more quiet lately. But this week...we got news that I have to shout from the proverbial rooftop...Aaron weighs 26.5 lbs. This puts him at between the 10th and 25th percentile for weight, a percentile he hasn't been at since about 6 months of age. So, huge sigh of relief.

The little man continues to amaze. He is talking a little more every day. Tonight, I heard him on the monitor singing the Caillou theme song to himself. He is routinely putting together 3-4 word sentences. Yay!!! His independent streak is unbelievable to me. I had read about this tendency of toddlers to want to do everything for themselves, but it never really took hold with our big boy. He was pretty content to let me put on his shoes, hold his hand in the parking lot, etc. Not so with my little Cinderella man. If I am in a hurry and buckle him into his carseat (instead of letting him do it himself), I WILL have to withstand furious wailing from the backseat for the duration of the trip. He rebels against holding a hand to walk down stairs, having his burger cut in two, being read to instead of reading book himself. "ME DO IT!" He wipes off kisses with a glint in his eyes. So, like mommies around the world, I wait. I wait for the moments when he is tired or frustrated, or caught off guard, or in need of a soft place to fall. And in these moments, when he climbs in my lap and stays put for a whole story...when we giggle through the photo album...when he comes in for the early morning baba, I hold tight to the baby inside this amazing little boy. After all those months of wanting to fastforward to these glory days, these days when I would know my boy would be OK, now I want time to stand still. Greedy girl.

2!

My little guy is a 2 year old, with all the crazy tantrums and independence that implies. While his brother still has no problem letting mom help him with all sorts of activities of daily living, A wants to do everything himself. Buckle himself in (and out) of his carseat, put on his shoes, open the door, walk up and down the steps....some of these tasks are more appropriate than others! When I am in a hurry to get somewhere, his shrieks of protest when I want to buckle him in are not convenient, but I try to remember that this independence has taken him far in life. Right now he is totally in love with his baseball mitt. Not surprising, as baseball season is in full swing at our house.

The one area he is NOT tackling on his own is sleep. After learning to climb out of his crib (Can you believe the irony?) he has been staying in a toddler bed in our room. I haven't had the strength to have the all out fight that will ensue when we try to get him back in his own room. Yet. The day is coming...

We are in a not so great time for eating...the topic is so old...I am trying not to let it run Airbear's life and am just hopeful that one day he will start eating better on his own. His weight is holding at the 5th percentile so we are hanging in!

Just around his 2nd birthday, A went back for his final speech eval and they found that he did have a speech delay in expressive language. I had suspected as much and was prepared to fight for him to have continued services, but in turned out that I didn't have to argue. Then, there was spring break and he started talking a LOT more. And more clearly. By the time his 1st sesson came this week, he was doing so much more. The therapist was very pleased. I think the sessions will be fun and can't hurt, but I am not too concerned anymore. Some of his new phrases include...

Light on, light off, open door, git it me, Abby kiss,

He also likes to count. He was asking for kisses from the pooch and I said she already had kissed him. "Two!" He says. I reply "She gave you two kisses!" "Twee!" (meaning three) he says back.Smart boy!

730 days

Aaron is 2 years old today. 730 days. I was thinking about it that way today for several reasons. First, because every day we have with him is a gift. Do I always feel that way? On the hard days...during sleepless nights....no, regretabbly not. But, MOST days, for at least a few minutes, I look at my little boy and marvel at how far he has come and how sickeningly close we came to losing him. And, Ifeel so grateful.

730 days because Aaron has taught me a lot about living in the moment. I am currently a mostly stay at home mom with no idea what the next year will bring. Those of you who know me, even a little, know that I have always been a girl with a 1, 5, 10 year plan. Not so much now. What do I know? I know that I will be the mom of two remarkable boys...I will watch Aaron play soccer or basketball or ride ponies. I will teach him to use the potty, teach him his colors, take him to preschool. I did not know that 730 days ago. It is enough. It is everything.

Aaron's 2nd birthday was amazing. He is so special. He had a great day, full of smiles and gave kisses and hugs to everyone. He even kissed Aunt Andrea via Skype. He is talking more every day. One of his favorite words is "Moooove" when he wants someone (often his big brother) to get out of his way. He seemed to really get that the day was all about him, and enjoyed it immensely. He danced along with Handy Manny, Beyonce, JT. He ate tacos like a champ. All in all...a perfectly wonderful typical 2 year birthday party...for an exceptional kid!

6!

6 years old, my big boy turned 6 today. We had a fun-filled day of Chuck E Cheese and then a party with family at home this evening.

Sam is an amazing 6 year old.He thanked us today for his party and thanked his family for coming, without being asked. He had so much fun and was a pleasure to watch. He also of course, despite coaching, pointed out that he had two of one gift and the other one wasn't exactly what he wanted. I really tried to set him up for this situation, but somehow...didn't work...oh well.

All the friends were very cute and watching them together was fun. They try to act so grown up.

Sam is reading now! We have gotten great reports from his teachers at school and at religous school. He has been very patient and loving with his brother. All in all, I am looking forward to 6!

Update

I realized that I have not updated on Aaron's progress in a while. It seems like I have been singing from the rooftops, but just in case anyone who reads this hasn't heard...

Aaron gained weight!!! He now had two 1 lb over a month weight gains since we returned from Ohio. 2 weeks ago, he weighed 23.5 lbs which put him between the 5th and 10th percentile. A totally wonderful acceptable weight. So, for now, the plan is to stay the course. So relieved. It seems like when I was finally at my wit's end and ready to accept anything, including a tube, to help him grow, he made it happen. He is finally outgrowing clothes. Today at library story hour, I was embarrassed to notice that his pants were way too short. Getting the waists to fit is another story.

On another note, he went for developmental screening using the Bayley tests. He scored in the average range for cognition/expressive language and above average for receptive language!!!!!!!!! The psychologist repeated the results to me several times. She said I needed to hear it and boy was she right. No matter what, we would have been fine but it was so nice to have validation of how wonderful we already think he is doing. He is anything but average to us.

So, let the good times roll...I know how blessed we are and I feel guilty sometimes that we have this outcome when so many others aren't as lucky. All I can say is that there is truly not a day that goes by that I don't marvel at something he does and count my blessings. And no matter what challenges may or may not come, I think I will always feel that way.

Musing

Today was just another ordinary day. I started reading the sequel to a book I read so long ago, before I was a mom, called the Deep End of the Ocean. The initial book is about a family who loses their child to kidnapping. I have not, thank G-d, been through this, but the author's words really seem to bleed out at you. I could hardly read it. All I could think is, how differently this feels from reading the first novel before I was a mom.

Then, I was speaking to my friend, who has recently given birth. We were talking about how her first simple trip away from her newborn rocked her world. The timing, the vulnerability she felt in the car...I remember feeling much the same way. This new being depends on you to eat...you want to be there for every milestone...your life no longer belongs just to you.

At the library, we were at story hour. I am sitting at story hour with a couple of other moms, one very far along in pregnancy. She thinks that she may be in early labor and this prompts every other mom there to retell their own birth stories. Luckily, my toddler doesn't sit still for long, so my beloved AJ saved mommy from that conversation. I wish I could just hear these stories and not feel them...solely appreciate the miracle of what is and not the what could have been...I am getting there, but not there.

So, all of this, on this very ordinary day, in between laundry and pot roast and chitchat, I feel...heavy and vulnerable. Heavy with love and fretting and joy and fear for my children, vulnerable with the knowledge that they are my core, that protecting and nurturing them is so simple on a daily basis but full of potential pitfalls, humbled by the fact that a simple conversation can still bother me. Maybe I should start reading romance novels....